Why I Would Like to Go to Jail

 I would like to go to jail, so I can have some freedom in my education.  At this point in my life, I believe I can get a better education behind bars than sitting in a classroom.  I’d like to be able to read and write at my own pace, not having a great novel like Pride and Prejudice ruined for me when I have to read forty pages in one night.  All I require are pens, paper, books, and a room to concentrate on my studies; a prison cell sounds perfectly serviceable for my needs.

Look, when I graduate from high school, what am I going to do?  I’m going to pay an inordinate sum of money to go to school again.  I’m going to pay for tuition, for textbooks, for clothes, for room and board.  But if I go to jail, I’ll get all that stuff for free!  And when you think about it, all these services are paid with tax money, so thank you upstanding citizen, for investing in my academic career.

Yes, I realize that jail life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.  I know there’s mandatory physical labor and I welcome it.  Any increase in my nonexitstent exercise routine is an exponential improvement.  The food shouldn’t be too bad; I’ve had school lunches.  Sure, there’s absolutely no privacy in the bathrooms, but at least I get my own dorm.

And I know what you’re saying: Andrew, aren’t you afraid of being raped?  Allow me to retort.  Benjamin Franklin, one of our founding fathers, said that those who are willing to sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither.  In this instance, I’m not going to let the threat of sexual assault prevent me from furthering my education, from becoming a better person.  So yeah, I’m afraid, but that’s a risk I’m going to have to take.

Now, any ideas on how to get in?

Andrew Oh, ’14 || Literary Staff



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