Behind the Post

Behind the Post

Buckle in your mental seatbelts, because we are about to go on a deep dive into the internet. No, I don’t mean your parent’s Facebook page. I’m talking about that weird side that leaves you asking “Why?” You’re in luck, because I can make up a story about what (Probably) happened.

Eat your Greens
He woke up in a cold sweat, fear suddenly gripping his heart. His whole world, his dreams, his aspirations all crumbled around him. How could he have been so blind? So foolish? He knew his whole life he needed to protect and serve the United States. How could he have ever thought everything was according to plan, and miss the biggest possible hole in his plans?

He staggered out of bed, blindly groping the wall for the light switch. Images of his childhood jumped in out of his brain; Watching Popeye on television and eating the canned spinach alongside him, scouring his neighbor’s gardens and eating their carrots straight out of the ground, the one night he was nearly arrested for trespassing on a farm just so he could get at the potatoes. Had he not already sacrificed everything? Had he not already searched the world far and wide for every obscure vegetable? The taste of Kohlrabi, Watercress, Rutabaga, and Chayote filled his mouth now, nearly choking him. Why would he only remember now, the night before the entrance exam, the one blind spot he had in his plan? Was this the cruel punishment the universe decided to heap upon him?

Celery. Even the damn name sounded like an insult. His mind raced; was there any possible way he could get a stalk by tomorrow. In his ignorance, he had signed up for the earliest time slot, before the farmer’s market was open. Perhaps if he started driving now, he could make his way to the 24 hour grocery mart, but for what? A genetically modified, slightly over-ripe version of the real thing? Even if he managed to get a hold of a decent stalk by dawn, it wouldn’t do much. He needed time to ruminate over the taste, the smell, the texture. His preference would be to simply lie down in a dark room for a few hours, just be sure he was familiar with all aspects of the plant. It was impossible now, the instructors would surely be able to tell just by the look in his eyes that he was not fully educated. There was a certain look to those who had never taken up the task of eating all their vegetables. A certain… hollowness. A dark cloud on their soul.

Falling to his knees, he began to cry out to the void. He cried out to the unjust laws governing the order of things. He cried out to justice, to nature, to all things. Pulling his laptop closer to himself, he began to type. It was possible the instructors wouldn’t ask about celery on his test, perhaps they would focus on the more mysterious veggies. A small glimmer of hope, but he scolded himself for it. He might be able to slip by, but as a fraud. His fingers jammed down the keys, typing out the question. He hoped and prayed a veteran would see his question and take pity on him, but he also asked anonymously, lest the instructors were already perusing the forums in search of cramming would-be troops.

The first answer popped up, and he stared at it for a long period.
“i dont think so, that has nothing to do with joining the arnny’
Besides being spelled wrong, the answers was undoubtedly misinformed. Hadn’t this poster learned? If you wanted to grow up big and strong, like a soldier, you had to eat all your vegetables.
Every. Single. One.

Sarah Nelson | ’20

3 thoughts on “Behind the Post”

  • First of all, the overall concept of this blog is hilarious and so creative. Your comedic voice is so consistent throughout, and makes it an enjoyable and suspenseful read from start to finish. I just also cannot get over the ingenious of fleshing out the character and really bringing him to life like in lines “He might be able to slip by, but as a fraud.”

  • A rollercoaster of emotions from beginning to end. So outrageous and funny.

    Do the same requirements hold for the navy? Is it still veggies or fruit? Please contact me ASAP. Very important.

  • This is so fun to read! I love your sense of humor and ability to expand on such a random topic. You made the post have a little bit more sense to it!!!

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